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April 23, 2004

To The Editor:

We are once again heading for that shameless period in America when we must bare witness to lies, rhetoric, and posturing. Yes, it is soon time to elect our president. And, of course I don't vote having given up the practice as useless long ago. That should not dissuade those of you whom do vote from exercising your rights.

My thougts here are not concerned with the voting, but with the candidates. My question is which one will use religion and/or God as a platform first. Generally, I believe the first to use this type of emotional manipulation is generally the one who is most unctous, the most seemly. Clinton was good at such behavior. I shall never forget when the truth came out about his many lies and the stained dress, he made a point of being photographed in church and telling anyone who would listen that he was seeking counsel from his pastor. He should have been seeking counsel a lot sooner.

My vote is for George Bush to use the religion card first. If he does, he will win. It makes one wonder if God really cares about Bush or Kerry. You would think that God has better things to do. But, one of these chumps has got to win and you can bet that the best religion manipulator will be our next president.

Alan Paine

February 21, 2004

To The Editor:

Since so many devout Bible thumpers are insistent upon forcing their ancient prejudices and indefensible positions into U.S. public policy, there's a need for a guide to Biblical marriage that, well, at least the TRUE fundamentalists should demand for all of us immediately (compiled from other lists with some additions of my own):

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5) Please note that NOTHING in the Old or New Testament condemns polygamy. Polyandry, though (i.e., a woman taking more than one husband) is an abomination.

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30) Also, to bolster this assertion, the New Testament plainly states that Christians ought not "yoke themselves unto unbelievers." Therefore, all mixed marriages must be declared null and void -- period, end of discussion.

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9) Exceptions MIGHT be made for husbands to "put away" their wives in case of adultery, but even that's kinda iffy. All this "Well, he beats me black and blue" crap just doesn't hold water with the word of God.

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10) I'm sure that Payless and Thom McAn will be happy to hear about the shoe thing.

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

H. Now, I could go on and on here -- I mean, let's not forget Old and New Testament rules about women being subject to their husbands, or covering their heads in church, or being forbidden to teach men, or being impure during their menstrual cycles (remember: sex here means death), or some of those delightful levitical gems about when you may marry your slave girl, or how to tie the knot with someone you've just raped (after you've compensated her father, of course).

I. 14 Biblical Tips on Finding the Right Gal for You, Guys:

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses -- Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz -- Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one of the gals and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites -- Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. (Adam -- Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right -- fourteen years of toil for one lousy wife. (Jacob -- Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David -- 1 Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain -- Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes, a.k.a. Ahasuerus -- Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson -- Judges 14:1-3)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David -- 2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz -- Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don't be so gol-durned picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon -- 1 Kings 11:1-3)

Ah, the simple joys of Biblical marriage!



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